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THE MOST POWERFUL CROCKPOT IN THE MULTIVERSE! $20 or best sacrifice - $20 (Longmont)
Nelson near Hover
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This is not just a crockpot.
This is not just a slow cooker.
This is a culinary containment unit forged in the heart of a dormant volcano and lightly dusted by the passage of time. It has seen things. It has cooked things. It has outlived at least three roommates and possibly a houseplant.
This mighty stainless-steel beast features:
🔥 A lid that locks with the authority of a medieval drawbridge
🔥 Buttons featuring mysterious hieroglyphs, such as “Soup,” “Meat/Stew,” and “???”.
🔥 A steam valve that hisses like an angry snake when it decides you’ve angered it
🔥 Enough power to turn raw ingredients into edible substances, sometimes even delicious ones
🔥 A personality (sometimes it hums, sometimes it growls — I just roll with it)
Cosmetic condition:
Let’s call it “rugged.” It has accumulated a heroic layer of dust from its many battles in the kitchen arena. This is not a flaw; this is patina. This is history.
Functionality:
Yes, it works.
Does it work perfectly?
Define “perfectly.”
If you plug it in, it cooks food.
If you don’t plug it in, it does nothing.
Just like every other slow cooker on Earth. 🤷♂️
Perfect for:
Cooking chili
Summoning demons (idk, probably)
Meal prepping
Home defense
Using as a conversation starter: “Why is that crockpot glaring at me?”
Price: $20 OBO
Trade offers accepted: enchanted swords, rare Magic cards, emotional support snacks.
Pickup only — bring a cart, a friend, or an exorcist.